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oxymoronic_teen [userpic]

Life goes on...

January 13th, 2005 (07:59 pm)

Sometimes it is really hard for me to accept the friends I have. I keep waiting for them to suddenly turn laughing saying that this whole friendship was a joke. Or to have the turn and yell at me for being so selfish that their eyes were watering with frustration. I can't accept the fact that other people care about me so much. It is even harder for me to accept the fact that someone out there might like me a bit more than a friend and me being the oblivious person I am, skip over it as if nothing was there, just a person I had known for a few seconds or maybe for over a year.

Sometimes, I feel selfish. Thinking too much about myself will come to make me feel this way. When have I ever stopped to wonder how someone else was feeling? Ever since this last mental break down, I have only been trying to find ways to be stronger, but haven't paid much attention to the people I care so deeply about. How selfish is that!

Sometimes, I feel depressed, lonely, and forgotten. These feelings occur mostly at night but do have a tendency to be occuring a lot more lately. I don't know why I should feel so lonely after all the people are everywhere, surrounding me. But sometimes I can't help but cry and hope that my life will pick up in some sort of way, saving me from this depression and leading me into happiness. Crazy, huh?

Sometimes, I really worry about others. I can't help but want to be there for every friend I have, even if it means getting up and actually taking initiative to go to their house, to be that crying shoulder. Ali has been someone that I concern over, worry about, all the time. I can't keep her out of my mind for one second before my mind continues asking, "How is she?", "What is she doing?" Do you want to know the strange thing? For the past few days, I have felt that if I said hello to her, I would somehow make her uncomfortable. Anyone that I have told my deepest secret to is cautious around me.

Sometimes, I wish that I had never told anyone about my past. People act differently towards someone that has been through the experience that I have. I feel sort of reluctant to speak about it anymore. I am crying...trying to deal with the memories and yet, I will no longer ask for help...I will no longer be weak. I will no longer let anyone see my tears.

Sometimes, I hope for nothing more than a dark place to hide. I want to hide away from the world and never come out...